Japanese Dating Culture part 1

I am by no means an expert on Japanese culture, let alone the very specific aspect of modern dating culture. However, I have eyes and ears, so I can observe the happenings around me. For the most part, my observations are from my friends and from school. So any way, full disclosure, I'm just running off of my own observations and answers I've received to questions I have asked. 

So here goes- I have a lot of single guy friends in Japan, all of them Japanese. This is weird to me because they should be married, it's a cultural expectation. They are all nice, most of them normal, and they're all independent with careers. They do all have one thing in common, they all have a major hobby: break dancing. Perhaps this is why they're unmarried, They are unwilling to give up their fun time for a girlfriend. I asked one friend if they could not balance the two: break dancing and girlfriend, or perhaps combine them. My friend responded that girlfriends expect you to spend time with them, fully concentrated on them. This particular friend had just ended a potential relationship because the girl wanted him to quit dancing. So I asked about the latter idea, having a girlfriend interested in dance. I thought this would be ideal, but it seems to not really be true. For this particular friend, all his buddies are break dancers too and he doesn't seem to want to mix his friends with his girlfriend. 

This brings me to my next observation: girlfriends and social circles are separate. I have asked my guy friends why they don't want their friends to befriend their girlfriends (make sense? Hahaha). They couldn't really tell me why they wanted to keep friends separate from their girlfriends. I guess it's a privacy thing or a fear if looking weak, guys don't want to share everything with their friends or girlfriends and they don't want their friends to see how they are with their girlfriends. In Japanese work culture, spouses or partners are never allowed to come to work parties or events. Home life is separated from work life. So I guess unlike in the west, lives are more compartmentalized in Japan. Another example of this compartmentalism: my married friend's wife did not meet his friends until 8 months after they were married. Usually friends would meet the wife at the wedding, but they had a small destination wedding with just family members. His closest friends had never seen or met his wife! Also, he does many activities, like play soccer, hiking, triathlons, running and biking, without his wife... So he has 3 or more compartments: work, home life, friends.

Another observation I've made, and I think this is well known, in Japan, you don't just approach strangers. If you see a girl or boy you like, you can't just approach them if you've never been introduced. You need a go between, or a mutual friend to introduce you. Online dating, as far as I know, is not terribly popular, possibly for this reason. A popular service is a matchmaking service or omiai (お見合い) parties, where single men and women are brought together to make a match. These parties are for serious individuals only, they are for people looking for marriage. A more casual occurrence is the goukon (合コン), a dating party. These can be organized by matchmaking companies, or by friends. 

A goukon is like a high school group date. What seems to happen is one person decides they want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but they don't know of any potential people. So they talk to a friend, and the friend talks to another friend of the opposite sex. Then they each invite (usually) single people and set up a meeting at an izakaya. There is usually an even number of boys and girls, and that way people can get to know each other in a friendly group atmosphere. No pressure. Of course there has to be drinking for this to work. It seems that there can't be a relationship without a confession of love, and for that to happen (read: true feelings to be spoken), people need to be drunk or very tipsy. The goukon starts with self intros, and then everyone just drinks, eats, and talks. If some people hit it off, they can exchange emails and the party will have been a success.

I'm lucky to have taken part in a real goukon (that was a smashing failure) and some goukon-like parties held for one person. My first experience involves a girl in her late 30's who wants to get married and pop out some kids. She asked her friend to introduce her to his friends, in order to find a match for her. In true Japanese style, elaborate parties were organized involving the girl looking for a guy and the potential matches. These were unique as they involved a get together at one guy's house, no alcohol was involved, but there was lots of food. The first meeting, the girl introduced herself and the guys introduced themselves. Mostly, the boys talked amongst themselves, but at a few points conversation was centred on the guest of honour. Then there was a second meeting where the girl cooked for everyone. I guess this was to show off her domestic skills. Unfortunately, none of the boys were interested, and no emails were exchanged. It is getting a little weird now, because these parties keep happening even though the boys have no interest. The organizer and his single friend are very persistent.  The girl is interested in one of the guys, but I think he likes someone else (the drama!).

My authentic goukon experience involved my friend (male, in a relationship), who was asked by his sempai (a more senior employee) at his office to introduce him to some girls. In this situation, my friend's hands were tied, he couldn't say no and he has to participate, even though he already has a girlfriend. He asked my friend (a girl) to find two single girls (one of which was me), and my friend's colleague brought another single friend to form our goukon. 3 girls, 3 guys. The girls and my friend all showed up on time for the event, organized at an izakaya. The other two guys were late. Bad first impression. But it didn't matter, they eventually arrived and the party began. It was kind of awkward at first, as it was just the boys just talking and joking around. Both guys were talking up/teasing my (taken) friend a lot, I guess they felt threatened by his body (he's a break dancer...). Eventually everybody warmed up and introduced themselves and food and drinks were ordered. Once the drinks came, the party settled down and everyone relaxed and started talking. Unfortunately one of the guys was a yakuza (or a wannabe), and it became clear once he started talking like one and talking about his buddies. The two single guys were not very respectable or interesting characters. I didn't realize this fact until after, the subtleties of Japanese proper behaviour are lost on me. No matches we're made, but I learned some new words. 

That's enough for now. In part 2 I'll try and address what happens after meeting the potential girl/guy in Japanese dating. 

Japanese Hospital Round 2

To the outsider, it would seem like Japan hates me. Lots of bad things have happened since I moved here. Lots of good too, but naturally, the bad things stick out. 

Bad thing 1: Nanna dies (September 29, 2012)

Bad thing 2: First time in the hospital (November 12, 2012)

2nd time in a hospital diagnosis and finding out that surgery is inevitable (November 15, 2012)

3rd time in hospital, briefing before surgery (November 22, 2012)

4th time in hospital, 1st time admitted, surgery (November 28, 2012 - December 4, 2012)

Bad thing 3: Grandad dies (May 25, 2013)

Bad thing 4: Hit by car while riding bike to work on a Sunday! (September 15, 2013)

It was this last bad thing that is the occasion for my second hospital experience. In Japan, bandaging and care is way overdone, I think. At least concerning bandaging and hospital stays. However, medication is a slightly different issue. They prescribe tonnes, when only a little is necessary, but you have to go to the hospital to get it. OTC items (in the west), like antibacterial cream and allergy medication, are not available here without a prescription. Any way, I digress.

So I got hit by a car on my way to work. The car hit my back wheel and after that I don't really know what happened. The driver opened his car door and asked if I was okay a couple times and I said, "I'm fine." But I really just wanted to get away from the situation and get somewhere dry, because if it wasn't enough that it was a Sunday and I got hit by a car, there was a torrential downpour. I moved my bike from the road and the guy was gone. That's a crime in Japan. It's called hikinige (ひきにげ), hit and run. If you get into an accident you must call the police. I can't even file a report because I have no information about the guy, just his approximate appearance and car colour. Also, I had to pay my medical bills (luckily not too much) and I fixed my own bike. Ugh. The medical was covered by national health insurance (70%), but usually for car accidents, it isn't because the other person pays. I feel ripped off. 

Any way, I didn't go to the hospital, I just went to school and got some teachers to open the nurse's office so I could get some bandaids. The next day was a holiday so I wasn't back at school until Tuesday, with some lovely cuts and bruises. The teachers told the vice principal what happened and then I was pretty much forced into going to the hospital. At the hospital, a clinic really, I had my wounds sterilized and got some antibiotic ointment applied, three X-rays, and a tetanus shot. Not to mention 2 types of pills and some medicated compresses. All for some cuts and bruises. 

This is my bandaging pre-X-ray.

This is the bandaging post X-ray. Haha. So much stuff! 

There's a foot to foot comparison. The bandaging lasted a day before I removed it and replaced it with bandaids.

Additionally I was supposed to go back for more sterilization, but decided not to because it would cost more money and it seemed unnecessary.

There you have it. Hospital experience 2.

Izu Peninsula - Kawazu

It's a Friday night and I'm sitting in my Japanese room at Kokoronodoka (心のどか) hotel in Kawazu (河津). I've been to Izu a number of times, but this is my first time in Kawazu. My Japanese inn has a spa- complete with indoor and outdoor private baths. It's wonderful. I had a bit of stress getting here because of the trains. Today it rained, so of course JR was delayed. Therefore I arrived just before the hotel check-in closed. Before I arrived I got a telephone call from the website I booked through, saying that if I wasn't there by 10 pm, I wouldn't be able to check in and I would still be charged :/ STRESS! Hahaha. But everything worked out.

On arrival, they took my bags and immediately set me up with a yukata, showed me the baths and then the room. The room is really nice, small but perfect for me. It includes a tv, Internet, air con, tea, filtered water, a kettle, etc. 

When I woke up the next day, I checked the surf report, and it was bad. No surfing this weekend :( But I didn't come all this way for nothing, so I finally took the time to walk around Shimoda and explore a bit. Shimoda is famous for being the first port for the Americans in Japan. It was in Shimoda that the Americans succeeded in getting Nagasaki and Yokohama ports opened to them as well. So Shimoda has an interesting history. I only walked around, in the future I will explore the museums and temples. I did part of a walking tour along Perry's road, Perry being Commodore Perry who established the American presence in Japan. After walking around Shimoda, I went back to Kawazu and hit Imaihama beach. This is a nice little beach, with sand and reef. Sometimes you can surf there, but it's less consistent than Irita. Apparently after the installation of terrapods in the water, the beach is a lot calmer and the waves just don't come any more. I wasn't able to surf there this time, instead I went body surfing! It was a lot of fun.

I retired to my hotel around 7, ate some food, went in the onsen and then got my fill of Japanese television. The next morning I was going to try swimming or surfing again, but there was thunder and lightning and stormy weather. So I just decided to get an early start on my way home. It is about 4 hours by local trains. 

I would definitely stay at that hotel again. It was quiet and the room was very nice. The owners seemed quite nice too. 

Shimoda's Port

View of Shimoda from Shimoda Park.

Me at the entrance to Kokoronodoka.

Fuji san Photos!

I have posted the photos from Mt. Fuji on flickr.

Here are my friends photos:

Sari's photos from Mt. Fuji

Here are my photos:

Wei's photos from Mt. Fuji

Enjoy!


Also... For the record, on Monday September 2, 2013, there was a tornado in Koshigaya, that could be seen from where I live. It caused damage and injured some people. I don't think anyone died though.

Today, September 4, 2013, we had a 6.5 M earthquake. It was quite strong. The weather has been really crazy too. Sudden thunder and lightning storms, rain storms, etc. As I type, another thunderstorm is starting.

It's crazy!

Fuji San!!

It was a little last minute, but I managed to climb Mt. Fuji (富士山). I can check that off my bucket list. The Japanese often say that only a fool climbs Mt. Fuji twice, I kind of understand where they're coming from.

Originally I was supposed to climb Mt. Fuji with a couple friends at the beginning of August. However, the date that was selected was the day before my trip to the Kita Alps. Sadly I had to decline. Then, about a week ago, my friend messaged me out of the blue, asking me if I wanted to go to Fuji this weekend (Aug 30/31). Of course I wanted to go and so we went. I arranged to meet them in Utsunomiya, from where we would start. I got to the station at 8 pm and hopped in the car. Car wouldn't start. Dead battery. So the Japanese equivalent of BCAA was called and about 40 minutes to an hour later they came and jumped the battery. People here don't carry jumper cables in their cars. If only they did, it wouldn't have taken so long to get going.

We started on our journey to Yamanashi prefecture, but first stopped to pick up an extra battery. We were afraid to turn the car off, lest the car wouldn't start again!

We finally made it to Fujiyoshida City (富士吉田市), home of the Yoshida trail that goes to the summit of Mt. Fuji. There are 4 routes up the mountain and they start in different prefectures: Shizuoka or Yamanashi. The most popular is probably  Kawaguchiko 5th station (we started there) because it is most easily accessible by bus. Other stations include Subashiri 5th station, Gotemba 5th station, and Fujinomiya 5th station. We arrived at about 1 am, and attempted to get into a business hotel. Unfortunately the hotels nearby were full, so we parked at a Lawson and slept in the car. It was the most uncomfortable sleep ever. The car was small and parked on the side of a busy highway with lots of big trucks. Every time one passed, the car would rock. Despite the unfortunate conditions, we managed a few hours of low quality sleep and were up by 4:30-5:00 am. We ate, changed, and headed out to the 5th station to start our ascent.

We started hiking around 6:30 am. The morning air was cool and the wind was beginning to pick up. The first part of the trail, ~ 2 km, is fairly easy and relatively flat, the last 4 km is up, up, up. So at about 7 am we began climbing in earnest. When you looked up to the top, it didn't seem too long... But it was. 

Before the 6th station, the wind picked up and started to blow clouds of dust and small rocks. The dust would get everywhere... Including in my ears, nose, eyes, mouth and down my shirt. Ugh! After the sixth station it was all uphill. There was no respite. The view from Mt. Fuji is gorgeous, but Mt. Fuji in the flesh (or rather rock) is not beautiful. We rested often. After about 2 hours we ate. At the huts everyone was sucking back oxygen or eating ¥600 cup noodle. Ridiculous! 

After we reached 3100 m, it was noticeably more difficult to climb. Breaks were more frequent and breathing was heavier and faster. At the eighth station, not sure which one, I saw a child puking. Altitude sickness. Mt. Fuji is not a destination for serious hikers. It is full of people that do not know or practice proper hiking etiquette. For example, most people were carrying silly Mt. Fuji walking sticks, but they would drag them behind them, almost hitting or spearing the people behind them. Many people looked quite out of their element and did not come well prepared. I saw lots of children, which I think is quite inappropriate, because I had a lot of trouble with the wind. If I had trouble, how well would a kid cope? There were also lots of obnoxious Americans on the mountain, from naval or Air Force bases. Bleh. It upsets me to think I would be lumped into the same group as them. The things they would say were rude, they spoke as if they thought no one could understand them. It's a little presumptuous I think. 

After about 5.5 hours we reached the summit. It was freezing at the top. The wind was VERY chilling. I loved it. I completely enjoyed the feeling of being cold. I loved wearing my coat and gloves too. It's a feeling I won't get for another few months, so I relished it as best as I could. At the top of Mt. Fuji there is a shrine and some huts that sell hot food (at outrageous prices) and souvenirs. I bought some lucky charms from the shrine and my companions bought food. After refueling, we walked around for a bit and went to the crater. The wind was so strong that I was afraid to get close to the edge. My battle with the wind was truly epic, and it didn't finish until I was down the mountain. 

After taking the requisite photos, we started our descent. We followed the Yoshida trail down, but the descending trail was a different route than the one we took up the mountain. I wish we would have taken the same path down as we did up... The trail was just 4 nasty kilometers of switchbacks. The ground was a loose dusty/sandy/gravelly concoction that got in my shoes and socks. It was very unpleasant and terrifically unscenic (I made that word up).  I definitely had to grit my teeth and bear the descent as it wasn't fun at all, except for the points when we were completely surrounded my clouds. You couldn't see anything around you and it was so cool! 

2.5 hours later, we finally finished and I finally used the bathroom. I didn't want to use the toilets on the mountain for several reasons: they were pay-per-use, they were very stinky, and they were squatty potties. So I held it until we arrived back at the fifth station where real toilets awaited us. After we got back to the car, I immediately took off my shoes and socks and dumped all the rocks and sand out. Ugh! My feet were so dirty!! I brought wet wipes and used a lot to clean my feet, legs, ears, neck and face. It was nice to get rid of all that dirt.

We hopped in the car and headed down the mountain and stopped at the first McDonald's we saw. The boys ate a lot, I wasn't that hungry and I had "juicy chicken Shaka Shaka". Basically it's a chicken strip in a bag. You dump a packet of seasoning in and shake it ("Shaka Shaka"). Then you tear off the top part of the envelope and eat the chicken. It was okay...  After that we got gas and headed back home, fighting sleep the whole way. We were seriously tired!