So here goes- I have a lot of single guy friends in Japan, all of them Japanese. This is weird to me because they should be married, it's a cultural expectation. They are all nice, most of them normal, and they're all independent with careers. They do all have one thing in common, they all have a major hobby: break dancing. Perhaps this is why they're unmarried, They are unwilling to give up their fun time for a girlfriend. I asked one friend if they could not balance the two: break dancing and girlfriend, or perhaps combine them. My friend responded that girlfriends expect you to spend time with them, fully concentrated on them. This particular friend had just ended a potential relationship because the girl wanted him to quit dancing. So I asked about the latter idea, having a girlfriend interested in dance. I thought this would be ideal, but it seems to not really be true. For this particular friend, all his buddies are break dancers too and he doesn't seem to want to mix his friends with his girlfriend.
This brings me to my next observation: girlfriends and social circles are separate. I have asked my guy friends why they don't want their friends to befriend their girlfriends (make sense? Hahaha). They couldn't really tell me why they wanted to keep friends separate from their girlfriends. I guess it's a privacy thing or a fear if looking weak, guys don't want to share everything with their friends or girlfriends and they don't want their friends to see how they are with their girlfriends. In Japanese work culture, spouses or partners are never allowed to come to work parties or events. Home life is separated from work life. So I guess unlike in the west, lives are more compartmentalized in Japan. Another example of this compartmentalism: my married friend's wife did not meet his friends until 8 months after they were married. Usually friends would meet the wife at the wedding, but they had a small destination wedding with just family members. His closest friends had never seen or met his wife! Also, he does many activities, like play soccer, hiking, triathlons, running and biking, without his wife... So he has 3 or more compartments: work, home life, friends.
Another observation I've made, and I think this is well known, in Japan, you don't just approach strangers. If you see a girl or boy you like, you can't just approach them if you've never been introduced. You need a go between, or a mutual friend to introduce you. Online dating, as far as I know, is not terribly popular, possibly for this reason. A popular service is a matchmaking service or omiai (お見合い) parties, where single men and women are brought together to make a match. These parties are for serious individuals only, they are for people looking for marriage. A more casual occurrence is the goukon (合コン), a dating party. These can be organized by matchmaking companies, or by friends.
A goukon is like a high school group date. What seems to happen is one person decides they want a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but they don't know of any potential people. So they talk to a friend, and the friend talks to another friend of the opposite sex. Then they each invite (usually) single people and set up a meeting at an izakaya. There is usually an even number of boys and girls, and that way people can get to know each other in a friendly group atmosphere. No pressure. Of course there has to be drinking for this to work. It seems that there can't be a relationship without a confession of love, and for that to happen (read: true feelings to be spoken), people need to be drunk or very tipsy. The goukon starts with self intros, and then everyone just drinks, eats, and talks. If some people hit it off, they can exchange emails and the party will have been a success.
I'm lucky to have taken part in a real goukon (that was a smashing failure) and some goukon-like parties held for one person. My first experience involves a girl in her late 30's who wants to get married and pop out some kids. She asked her friend to introduce her to his friends, in order to find a match for her. In true Japanese style, elaborate parties were organized involving the girl looking for a guy and the potential matches. These were unique as they involved a get together at one guy's house, no alcohol was involved, but there was lots of food. The first meeting, the girl introduced herself and the guys introduced themselves. Mostly, the boys talked amongst themselves, but at a few points conversation was centred on the guest of honour. Then there was a second meeting where the girl cooked for everyone. I guess this was to show off her domestic skills. Unfortunately, none of the boys were interested, and no emails were exchanged. It is getting a little weird now, because these parties keep happening even though the boys have no interest. The organizer and his single friend are very persistent. The girl is interested in one of the guys, but I think he likes someone else (the drama!).
My authentic goukon experience involved my friend (male, in a relationship), who was asked by his sempai (a more senior employee) at his office to introduce him to some girls. In this situation, my friend's hands were tied, he couldn't say no and he has to participate, even though he already has a girlfriend. He asked my friend (a girl) to find two single girls (one of which was me), and my friend's colleague brought another single friend to form our goukon. 3 girls, 3 guys. The girls and my friend all showed up on time for the event, organized at an izakaya. The other two guys were late. Bad first impression. But it didn't matter, they eventually arrived and the party began. It was kind of awkward at first, as it was just the boys just talking and joking around. Both guys were talking up/teasing my (taken) friend a lot, I guess they felt threatened by his body (he's a break dancer...). Eventually everybody warmed up and introduced themselves and food and drinks were ordered. Once the drinks came, the party settled down and everyone relaxed and started talking. Unfortunately one of the guys was a yakuza (or a wannabe), and it became clear once he started talking like one and talking about his buddies. The two single guys were not very respectable or interesting characters. I didn't realize this fact until after, the subtleties of Japanese proper behaviour are lost on me. No matches we're made, but I learned some new words.
That's enough for now. In part 2 I'll try and address what happens after meeting the potential girl/guy in Japanese dating.
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